It has been exactly 9 days since I found out that I failed my second semester or nursing school! I am still not over it, but, a friend of mine told me to write about my story and that maybe it will help someone out there.
Last week Friday in the middle of celebrating successfully completing my second semester with my friends at a Mexican restaurant, my Medical-Surgical (Med-Surg) professor called me at 2:30 p.m to tell me that I had failed the class by .25. Yes, you read that correct, I had missed it by 0.25.
I remember blindly handing my credit card to my one of my girlfriends and another one walking me to my car. I drove blindly home calling one of my closest friends (Isabel). I knew my friends would want to come and see me, so I parked my car in the back of the house and put my phone on do not disturb and literally crawled to the basement, and I cried for 9 hours straight. I didn’t even know that was possible. I screamed,I pleaded, I railed against God, I begged him for the .25 points and bargained to no avail. I remember at one point the only words coming out of my mouth were “God please, God please….it’s just .25…please”. I told my friend that I don’t remember crying like this when my mother had passed and when I went through my divorce. It was bad!! Finally at midnight I crawled back upstairs into bed, I couldn’t see – I guess crying so long and that hard will do that to you. I couldn’t speak. – when I tried to talk, I sounded like a frog.
I called/texted people closest to me and then spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling and crying on and off. I am surprised the neighbor didn’t come to do a wellness check – because at one point I screamed for a solid 15 mins.
When I finally looked at my phone, I had over 50 messages, and twice as many phone calls. I had no appetite, so I spent the day again staring at the ceiling. Whenever I thought about telling my parents – I lost my shit. (If you are Haitian or from the Caribbean, you know exactly what I mean here).
I have had several invites to lunch and while I know my friends mean well, I don’t think I am able to sit through a lunch with them. I am extremely happy for them, don’t get me wrong. However, I know the dynamics of our friendships will change once they go back for the senior year in the fall, and this makes me extremely sad, but, knowing how rigorous a nursing program is – I am by no means upset.
Nursing school is extremely hard!! You have to be extremely selfish with your self and your time. I am going to address all this is another post. I have been scouring nursing blogs for people who have failed and how they have moved on, and I guess it is taboo – because, I couldn’t find any.
While in nursing school I became extremely close to a Haitian girl, who has become one of my best friends. She happens to understands exactly what I am going through. Tabitha has been hovering like a Haitian mom – maybe she thinks I am going to go over the edge. However, I am not a person to drag anything for too long. I grieve and I move on. So now, I am moving forward.
Everyone who I have spoken to says that “everything happens for a reason” unfortunately, I cannot see this reason as yet, so for now, I wait.
Kathleen – Class of
2019. ……….. RN, BSN – Class of 2020